


A Little Song and Dance

by onceihadalife



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Bro-time with Hunter, Dad-off, Galavant - Freeform, Gen, Hairspray the Musical, No-chill Jemma, Song Parody, Very Happy In-Love Fitz, crack crack crack, the lonely island, wicked the musical - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-10 23:52:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7866364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceihadalife/pseuds/onceihadalife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Contaminating your sane head by dumping my spoofs of popular songs here that nobody asked for. </p><p>Mostly FitzSimmons, but loads of other AoS characters show up as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Legend of Leopold and Jemma

**To the tune of that earworm of the titular song of 'Galavant'**

 

Way back - no, not _that_  old   
There was a legend told  
About an engineer named Leopold

Cute smile, baby blue eyes,  
And sweet curls! *fandom sighs*  
There is no hero quite like Leopold

Tough, plus every other manly value  
Loyalty like his, oh, shall you  
Nay!-ver see anywhere else!  
And so Phil Coulson tells  
The whole SHIELD team goes “LEEEEEEOOOOOPOOOOOLD!”

The man we’re speaking of  
He has a lady love  
And darling Jemma, she is one fair maiden  
With killer brains to boot  
Jemma’s the absolute  
Perfection, the Lord hath put in one person!

Ah, true love was never this much painful!  
The writers - those disdainful  
Dipshits! They hurt those two to bits!  
Science babies - Jem and Fitz -   
Oh, that’s what she calls Leeeeeeeeoooopooooooold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See how antsy I am for an AoS musical episode? Even the title says it, though it's actually from Agent Carter. You know which ep. 
> 
> I'm wakandandperthshire on Tumblr. Come say hi, scream with me or suggest me songs. I'll do my best to power through :D


	2. Dad-Off #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coulson and Cal faces off sometime between the hacking of the Aussie server and the final battle in an epic rap-battle. May the best dad win. 
> 
> Warning: One word from the explicit lexicon.

**Based on ‘I Don’t Like You’ from Galavant S02E08. **

**Featuring Hunter and Raina**

 

_**Hunter:** Yes! Dadfight!  
**Raina:** Finally! I’ve been waiting the whole season for this._

**Cal:** I don’t like you  
**Coulson:** I really don’t like you  
**Cal:** I really  
**Coulson:** Really  
**Cal:** Really  
**Coulson:** Really  
**Both:** Want you gone  
This won’t surprise you  
But I despise you  
You want to see, step to me, ‘cause it’s on!

 **Cal:** I’m bigger rather, you need not bother  
And check out the fact  
I’m your daughter’s real father  
_**[Raina:** Boom!]_  
**Cal:** You’ve seen the Hulk, but I’m just as bad    
**Coulson:** Hi, 'Just As Bad'! Nice to meet you, I’m her dad!  
_**[Hunter:** Oh, yeah!]_

 **Coulson:** Enough pleasantry, you’d arrived presently  
But then Trip was dying unpleasantly  
Thank you for that, but then you screwed us over  
**Cal:** You’re incompetent   
**Coulson:** At least I’m sober

I’m radder, you’re sadder, and that makes you madder  
She’s not gonna choose you    
So tell me who’s dadder    
**Cal:** At looking after her  
I’ve heard you’re the worst  
**Coulson:** 'Cept Skye chose SHIELD  
**Cal:** But I had– THAT’S NOT HER NAME!  
**Coulson:** That’s not all you’ve had, now, is it?  
Team Hydra had paid you a visit  
**Cal:** Yet it’s you who’d managed to chuck her  
**Coulson:** I did not, bitch!  
**Cal:** Did too, motherfucker!  

Let’s see  
I’ve got the stronger weapon  
**Coulson:** Yeah, right…  
**Cal:** 'Round the world this fact is known-  
**Coulson:** What?  
**Cal:** I exhale and your cute lil base is blown!  
**Coulson:** I’ve got the –  
**Cal:** You’ve got nothing.  
**Coulson:** But I’ve got – Jiaying’s location!  
That’s right, now who’s in the shittiest position?  
**Cal:** You don’t have Jiaying’s –  
**Coulson:** Oh, I most certainly do. Don’t I, Hunter?  
**Hunter:** Uh, yeah! Word up?

 **Cal:** I don’t like you  
**Coulson:** I really don’t like you  
**Both:** You really, really, really, really cross the line  
Once I’m done with shit   
**Cal:** Your life won’t be fine  
**Both:** I don’t like you!

 **Coulson:** I will see you after the battle.


	3. I Just Did Had Sex! (and it felt so good)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to sound like a narcissist, but I'm really proud of this one. 
> 
> This is T-rated, despite the source material.

**Based on 'I Just Had Sex' by The Lonely Island.**

**Featuring Bobbi and Hunter.**

 

 **Bobbi:** Sometimes  
What’s inevitable happens  
In this world  
You don’t know how to express yourself, so  
You just gotta sing

 **Jemma:** I just had sex  
And it felt so good! (felt so good)  
I let my best friend put his you-know-what inside me (me)  
I just had sex (hey!)  
And I’ll never go back (never go back)  
To the not having sex with him  
Days o’ past

Had sex with your best friend?  
I have, it felt great!  
It felt so good when we did it on a mission

He’s the love of my life  
We’re 10 years in the making  
Daisy saw us getting handsy, didn’t see THIS in the vision

You’ll never guess where I just came from  
I had sex!  
Bobbi, the ride was worth it, the feeling was the best

We finally had The Sex  
Man, I didn’t have no chill  
But we had to rush to QJ when we were done

Made out the night before- his bunk, and the next day,  
Told him we’re gonna have sex, you should have seen his face!

Well sure,  
Nice of him to aquiesce to my request  
Really wanted to jump him  
Was he well-dressed!

I just had sex  
And it felt so good (felt so good)  
Psychedelic fireworks came out of my hair  
I wanna tell the world!

To be honest  
I was afraid he would be too shy to do it  
But in the lounge of the club  
He said “Screw it!”  
I ain’t one to argue with a good thing  
Can I have his child?    
**Bobbi:** That good?  
**Jemma:** Man! All the while we both smiled!

I’m so happy, told ya kooky colours came outta my ears  
Poor Mack however knew, we had his blessings though and his cheers  
The entire time, it was my Fitzy that I kept my eyes on  
He’d promised me- that night we’re sure to cross th'event horizon

This one’s for my engineer boo  
I’ll forever and ever be thirsty for you  
We’ll go to Seychelles, O my darling bae,  
I’ll do something with you that’ll take your breath away!

Fitz was a virgin  
(Doesn’t matter, had sex)  
My hands were freezin’  
(Doesn’t matter, had sex)  
I think Coulson knows ‘bout us  
(Doesn’t matter, had sex)  
Lucky, he didn’t cockblock us  
**Hunter:** Screw him!

 **Jemma:** I just had sex  
And my dreams came true (dreams came true)  
So if you had sex with your best friend  
Then you’re qualified to sing with me  
I just had sex  
**Bobbi:** Everybody sing!  
**Jemma:** And it felt so good  
**Hunter:**  We all had sex!  
**Jemma:** My best friend is my boyfriend now  
**Hunter:** I wanna tell the whole world!  
**Jemma:** I just had sex (I just had sex!)  
And I’ll never go back (no, no, no!)  
To the not having sex with him  
Days o’ past  
(And it felt so great)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame Liz for the fireworks imagery idea. 
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. Lady Killer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a slut for FitzHunter and FitzMackHunter brotps. I imagine Hunter suggesting something along the lines of this when he took his new baby bro under his wings and Mack, being Mack, just sighed and prayed for nirvana for his long-suffering soul.

**Based on 'Popular' from 'Wicked'**

**Featuring Fitz and Mack.**

 

 **Hunter:** Fitzy, now that we’re bros, I’ve decided to make you my new project.

 **Fitz:** You really don’t have to do that.

 **Hunter:** I know. That’s what makes me such a great bro!

Whenever I see someone less charismatic than I  
(and let’s face it—who isn’t less charismatic than I?)  
My tender heart tends to start to bleed  
And when someone needs a makeover  
I simply have to take over  
I know, I know exactly what they need  
And even in your case  
Though it’s the toughest case I’ve yet to face  
Don’t worry—I’m determined to succeed  
Follow my lead  
And yes, indeed  
You will be…

Lady killer!  
You’ll be a lady killer!  
I’ll teach you the proper words  
To speak to them birds  
Not like those Disney chicks, no!  
Ooh!    
I’ll tell ya how to be a king  
In that bedroom thing  
In no time you’ll be a pro  
Lady killer!  
You’ll be a lady killer!  
You’ll hang with myself and Mack  
[ **Mack, in the background:** Don’t involve me in this, Hunter]  
Dress to the nines and back  
Know the slangs and the ‘Hey girl’-s  
So let’s start  
First let me see those gorge curls…

Don’t be offended by my frankness, Glasgow  
In a few days you’ll wonder where did your glass go    
As you sit on a bar stool with a smokin’ ho  
In each of your arms  
So drunk in boy, your charms!    
You damn hot lady killer!  
I’ll make you lady killer  
And with an assist from me  
To be who you’ll be  
Instead of dreary who-you-were… or are…  
There’s nothing that can stop you  
From being a lady killer-ler…

La la la la  
We’re gonna make you la-dy killer…  
[ **Mack:** Who’s 'we’?]

When I see depressing creatures  
With unprepossessing features  
I remind them on their own behalf to think of  
Hollywood actors with bad rep or  
Look at our own Anthony Stark  
Do you have less brains or knowledge?  
Don’t make me laugh!

They’re lady killer! Please—  
It’s about lady killer!  
It’s not about aptitude  
It’s the way you’re viewed  
So it’s very shrewd to be  
Very much a panty-dropper  
Like me!

Why, hello there, Fitzy! Look at you!  
You’re not half bad!

 **Fitz:** I have to go

 **Hunter:** You’re welcome!

And though you protest  
Your disinterest  
I know clandestinely  
You’re gonna grin and bear it  
Your lady-killing ability!

La la la la  
You’ll be a killer  
Just not quite as killer  
As me!

 


	5. Good Morning Bucharest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Anon. 
> 
> Our Fitz walking down the Bucharest streets on his way back to the Quinjet on a very special sunny morning.
> 
> Spot the cameo ;D

**Based on 'Good Morning Baltimore' from 'Hairspray'**  

 

Oh, oh, oh 

Woke up today  
Feeling the way I never did  
Oh, oh, oh  
Wanna cuddle for one more minute  
Then I hear that beep

Phone’s ringing, it’s Mack  
Telling us to go back  
To the Quinjet. Oh dang, our bliss-time’s over.    
Oh, oh, oh  
Fresh up and dress up and rush to the base that’s my home

Good morning Bucharest  
You make me feel so blessed  
Last night was a fantasy  
As we go back to reality,  

Good morning Bucharest  
I wanna thank you for being the best  
The world’s gonna wake up and see  
My Jemma and me

Oh, oh, oh  
Look at my girl  
The rarest pearl fades to her today  
Oh, oh, oh  
Daisy’s for real got me quite afraid  
But still, we got laid  

The wind and the sky lift me up so high  
But nobody makes me soar like you do  
So, oh, oh  
I wanna tell the world  
How much Jemma, I love you

Good morning Bucharest  
You lifted a weight off my chest  
The bum eyeing plums looks at me  
I wave, I am so happy

Good morning Bucharest  
Though about Daisy I’m really stressed  
I wanna thank you, you see,  
From Jemma and me

I don’t know the streets, I don’t know the smell  
I only know Bucharest cast a spell  
The Romanian sun’s shining over my head  
I’m so ecstatic that I could drop dead  
_**Jemma:** He could drop dead_

So, oh, oh  
Know this, Jemma  
I’ve no dilemma  
That we’ll make us work  
Oh, oh, oh  
The world feels like a fantastic place  
Even our base

Work tells us no, but heart tells to go  
Follow our hearts is what we will do  
Oh, oh, oh  
I was afraid  
Then it gave way to my love for you

I love you Bucharest  
It’s been an honour to be your guest  
As Jemma, I and Mack- we three    
Say goodbye to you, fair city

And I promise Bucharest  
That if we’re ever asked on a test,    
“Name the best place”, easy  
We’ll tell your name, you’ll see,  
My Jemma and me  

 _ **Passers-by:** Yes, more or less we all agree_  
**Fitz:** My Jemma and me  
_**Passers-by:** It’s been a privilege to see_  
**Fitz:** My Jemma and me

**Author's Note:**

> See how antsy I am for an AoS musical episode? Even the title says it, though it's actually from Agent Carter. You know which ep. 
> 
> I'm wakandandperthshire on Tumblr. Come say hi, scream with me or suggest me songs. I'll do my best to power through :D


End file.
